WHITNEY JOHNSON Discovering the missing piece.

AGE   48

HOMETOWN(S)   San Jose, CA / Belmont, MA

@TWITTER   @johnsonwhitney

ON THE WEB   Daretodream.typepad.com

NUMBER OF CHILDREN   Two, David (14) and Miranda (10)

DAY JOB   Investment manager

RELATIONSHIP STATUS   Married

HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?

How we provide daily care for our children has evolved. When we were both working full-time, we had a full-time nanny. Because my work schedule was the more intense of the two, if the kids were up in the middle-of-the-night, or someone needed to pick up the slack, it was my husband. In 2004, when my husband left academia, he began to care for our children full-time with no outside help. With our kids now entering 9th and 5th grade respectively, this is about to shift again, as he begins to on-ramp into full-time work.

HOW HAS PARENTING CHANGED YOU AS AN INDIVIDUAL?

After our first child was born, I remember sending out a Christmas letter to friends and family, saying that as a parent, I felt more “me” than ever. This was unexpected. I thought that I would lose my identity. Instead, my identity had expanded, as if I’d discovered a missing piece.

HOW HAS PARENTING AFFECTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

We were married for nearly a decade before we had children, so we had an established pattern of communicating and enjoying one another’s company. This shifted some when my husband became a stay-at-home parent, perhaps because there has been a greater division of labor. His full-time parenting has been a boon for our children – having a parent whose priority is the needs of our children, getting their homework finished, etc. But I do think it makes it more difficult for us as husband/wife to talk the proverbial shop. Not because we do the same thing professionally, but because we aren’t currently both professionals, or both full-time caregivers.

WHAT ARE YOUR STRENGTHS AS A PARENT AND WHAT ARE YOUR WEAKNESSES?

I am willing to let my children develop and grow into themselves, to learn to self-direct, to not over-schedule their lives. And they can tell me that they don’t want my input on something, and I can let that be without making them feel guilty. For example, my daughter wanted to go to the fabric store to buy fabric for a quilt. I had my ideas about what fabric would work. She said to me, “Mom, I love you, but I want to do this myself.” I was able to pull back. What was interesting is that her initial fabric choices brown, orange, green made no sense to me. Until, she explained that she was illustrating a scene from her favorite book series – Warriors. Green for the tree top, brown for the trunk, orange for cat fur, blue for the riverbank. Her quilt, her imagination, hers.

That too is my weakness. Sometimes I fear that I’m not giving my children enough direction, or requiring enough of them.

WHAT ARE YOUR PARTNER’S STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES?

My husband is a wise and kind patriarch, and he really engages with our children. Just earlier this month, he went on a one and a half week High Adventure hike with our son, and his scout troop. He works hard, doesn’t complain – our daughter loves to cook with him – both know they are loved. And he is infinitely more patient with both of them when it comes to homework. One of his weaknesses is that he is less organized than I am – when it comes to the logistics of family life. That used to be a point of friction; now we know that I need to put schedules together for the coming week. Who needs to do what and where – because I am good at this.

WHAT IS YOUR WORST PARENTING MOMENT?

This was a few years ago. We had gone to a family friend’s house for dinner. I wanted to impress this family, and felt we needed to measure up. Neither of my children was on their best behavior that evening – which they get to do. But I remember coming home, and being quite angry. But it was anger not about them, but about me – that they were supposed to be good to make me look good. I vowed I wouldn’t live through my children again. I still do, but not as frequently or intensely.

WHAT IS YOUR BEST PARENTING MOMENT?

It was a Sunday night. All four of us were watching The Next Food Network Star, and my fourteen year-old was pestering our 10 year-old, but nothing out of the ordinary. I got quite mad at him. His response was, ‘You’re just in a bad mood, and you’re taking it out on me’. I denied it. But a few hours later I realized that he was right. I apologized. He asked if he could tell me ‘I told you so’. Yes, I said. I admitted I’d made a mistake, my children could trust that they could say what they were thinking without recrimination, and then all was forgiven. One of my best moments.