MARY CHAMPAGNE Forget perfection. Very good is good enough.

AGE   44

HOMETOWN   Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

NUMBER OF CHILDREN   Two, 18-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter

DAY JOB   Psychological Associate in private practice

RELATIONSHIP STATUS   Happily married, 24 years this summer

@TWITTER NAME   @tweepwife

HOW DO YOU COMBINE WORK AND FAMILY?

When I was tangling with the questions of childcare and balancing career and parenting, most moms were actively pursuing careers. I notice a change in our society today toward it being more acceptable, and even optimal, to exercise the option to be a stay-at-home parent.

I would have fit in perfectly now – I wanted the benefits of being present for my children while still having a fulfilling professional life.  I took the scary leap of faith into self-employment so that I could set my own hours and control my own time off, even if it was unpaid. Until the children went to school I worked three days a week and then later increased to four shorter days to accommodate school hours. I had the privilege to see them off in the morning and be at home for them in the afternoon so that they never had outside caregivers once they were school-age. Paperwork and graduate studies were snuck in around naps or bedtimes, very early mornings and very late nights. But the chance to set the tone for their days, to shorten their structured time outside the house, to increase our influence over their learning, and to share the highlights of their days as they returned home was worth every stretched minute.

At the time it seemed so difficult, but looking back now, it seems incredible how quickly it passed. It was so worth it. My husband did not take part in the primary caregiving duties as equally as I had anticipated but he loved our arrangement and was very supportive of it, though we did not benefit financially as we would have had I worked more. He also made employment choices that allowed him to work close to home, keep regular hours, and be around to watch the kids grow. After each birth he exercised a three-month parental leave, a rare thing at that time.

Neither of us regrets whatever material or professional sacrifices were made. We continue to emphasize the importance of parental presence and involvement even though our son is a senior in high school. He still needs us to be around and we have stayed true to our parenting values while maintaining two careers. Our children have  blossomed and our marriage and family unit continue to be healthy and strong.

WORST PARENTING MOMENT

A year after giving birth to our second child I was being treated for post-traumatic stress and depression.  The combination of working part-time, going to graduate school part-time and parenting contributed to my emotional reserves running on empty.   In an otherwise typical day we were getting ready to go out and our daughter was being oppositional about footwear. After asking her a few times to get boots on while I got the babe in his outerwear, I turned to give her a prompt. Inside, I could feel a white heat of impatience and frustration igniting into an angry flame. And I didn’t prompt her gently – I caused her to topple over backwards into the closet. This rough handling, accompanied by a furious hiss of “I said get your boots on!” culminated in us both looking at each other in shocked silence. As her insulted little face crumpled, with trembling hands I reached for her and helped her right herself and restore her dignity. In that moment, I realized how good people hurt their children and I that I was over-extended, over-tired, and in need of support. I called my mother-in-law and she rescued me – well, us really. From that day forward I knew it was my job to monitor my own emotional state;  I realized I would never be the perfect parent, but with the willingness to use the support of others, I could still be a very good mother.

BEST PARENTING MOMENT

Because our children are nearly grown we are beginning to see the fruit of our labour as parents and the choices we made in our parenting. Things that I often wondered about when the kids were small are  becoming clear. For example, I worked on the premise that I was not their friend but their mother.  When someone recently asked my son who he felt most able to talk to when he was upset and he answered, “my mom”, I could have had no greater reward. When my daughter went overseas for her first year of university and told us she wasn’t really homesick but that, “It’s weird just not having mom there to talk about my day every day”, every career opportunity I refused in order to stay true to my desire to meet them at the end of their days seemed worth it. The kids were our priority and they mattered. This has translated into the way they value family and other people and their strong sense of identity. That makes me proud.